Click the link to watch the show! We covered a variety of topics, from talking about Bawdy Storytelling to anal play/rim jobs/anal sex, BDSM, and our fetishes. As you can imagine, it’s not safe for work.
The audio/video quality is kind of a mess; it was the first show, and the technology was NOT cooperating. The next show, on September 5th, should be infinitely better (I won’t be a guest, but I have been recruited as the producer of the show, so definitely check back!). Like Sex with Others on Facebook to get updates on how to tune in and ask YOUR questions.
Sexplore.Me interviewed me on their podcast. We talked pro-domming, shame, sexuality, and learning to apologize less. Give it a listen and check out their website. They are still fairly new but they are already producing some incredible work.
Also: Are you a sex educator? They are looking to interview 50 sex educators and if you have something to say, you should go for it!
This week’s column on PPR: The sex worker stigma can make even the most progressive, “open-minded” people act hurtful. This week, I talk about the affect of the stigma on my interpersonal experiences, including losing a friendship, over the little unkind comments.
As always, for more sex-positive articles, including BDSM how-tos, erotica, politics, and discussions on polyamory, kink and more, follow Playpen on Tumblr and Twitter.
(Protip: If you want to expand the video to be bigger, watch it on Youtube. Just click right on through!)
I am running on about three and a half hours of sleep, so bear with me here, people. I got home from the after party, talked to a cute fella in New York, and finally hit the sack around 3:30 AM, only to wake up at seven to get ready for an early session at the dungeon. I’m doing a little write up, possibly catnapping, then heading off to SFO to pick up my partner, and oh god. I am just exhausted.
Last night was the event I posted so much about : Sex & Absurdity, held at the Center for Sex & Culture, and hosted by the incomparably charming Editrix Abby. The lineup of performers was incredible, including Laika Fox, MegaFlame Presents, Fudgie Frottage, and more. I was truly blown away at the consistent talent throughout the entire show—from beginning to end, it was fantastic. I had to set aside my nerves because I was so caught up in the show itself, which was constantly engaging, entertaining, and hilarious.
If you follow me on Twitter at all, you’ll know that I have a constant struggle with anxiety. I have especially terrible, terribleperformance anxiety. As I said to approximately fifteen people last night: You would think that after literally twenty years of performance (between theatre, dance, singing, and other miscellaneous public speaking things) it would be a breeze, but no. Instead, I was running around like a chicken with its head cut off.
FRENETIC. AS. FUCK.
I knew it was looking pretty bad when I saw the fear in the eyes of my dear friends, who were clearly thinking, “If she bombs this, we are going to be dealing with a total mess…oh my god, I hope she doesn’t bomb.”
But fortunately, as always, I pulled through. Dylan was kind enough to take a video for me, so please enjoy it! I stumbled a few times, but I’m proud of the outcome overall. What’s more: I got a bunch of very nice compliments from many strangers, and met quite a few awesome folks! The conversations I had afterward about sex work, BDSM, performance, and the differences/similarities between sex work and counseling were so wonderful. Also, probably the height of my life right now: After my bit, I snuck over to the drink table and Carol Queen had taken over serving drinks. As she handed me a glass of wine, she thanked me and told me that my piece was amazing. CUE SQUEAL OF JOY.
I feel so disgustingly mushy and honored that Abby included me in her lineup; I met her through the strangest of circumstances (truly—some day I’ll tell you the story), and I am so, so utterly glad that we met. Not only because she managed to grant me this opportunity, but also, because I feel fortunate to be in contact with someone who is so admirable and inspiring.
Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who came out, and to all of you who supported me through text messages and the internet. I saw more familiar faces than I had expected to, and I cannot even begin to explain to you how much that means to me.
Enjoy the recording of the performance! It’s a little long, but I promise it is worth it.
My weekly column on PPR! This week, I talked about a client of mine who came in with some potentially destructive requests, and the ethical conflicts I had with the situation (as well as how it all turned out!).
I will say that this one was incredibly hard to write. I labored over this one! There are just so many intricacies to sex work and the relationships within them. Parsing it down so that it made sense and generally focused on one aspect of it all was a challenge. Fortunately for me, I have some UHMAZING editors, and I think I pulled it together.
“Real Women Have Curves” and Other Ways You’re Not Helping - A fantastic article on why placing one body type,any body type, as “more desirable” than others is not actually helping the fight against body idealism and body positivity.
The Other Women: Playmates - I truly hope you’re reading Dead Cow Girl’s The Other Women series, which is where women can contribute stories about the shaping of their sexuality.
the chunky/gorgeous woman on the subway - Reading this made me cry. I have dated folks who would body hate on other women who were a similar size to me (or smaller!). I am by no means a thin woman. Body hatred needs to stop. Fat is not bad. Chunky is not ugly. There is more to beauty than this. Women do not need to be smaller, quieter, and more invisible.
Future of Feminism: Sex Workers Deserve Dignity & Care - “Even if our opinions on the sex work industry diverge, we can all agree that being a sex worker–whether by choice, circumstance or force–should not disqualify someone from basic human dignity, care and respect.”
When Worlds Collide - Kitty Stryker’s heartwrenching account of a family member shaming her and thus, putting her in danger. ”People like you are the reason people like me get raped and killed and society calls it an ‘occupational hazard.’ Thanks for that.”
In Defence of the “C-Word” - Laurie Penny on the word cunt, and why we should use it. (This one was not written recently, but still worth a read!)
Are We Making Ourselves Targets for Predators? - Gala Darling on online privacy, inspired by that creepy app that can track your every move (which fortunately effectively got shut down). As I have said before, I am a huge fan of transparency, but it is still prudent to be aware of the information you release to the world and how that can affect your safety and sense of well being. The internet is a space we are all still learning to navigate, and can have unintended consequences. While I’m still an avid foursquare user, I liked Gala’s tips for staying safe, and highly recommend that you check all of your social media privacy settings ASAP.
Impact Theatre has extended their amazing production of Titus Andronicus! (MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING for sexual assault, gore, and violence!) Are you into bloody Shakespearean tragedies? You still have a chance to go! The tickets are super cheap, too. If you’re in the Bay Area, do it!
And a few that are the courtesy of your irreverent host (meaning me):
March has been pretty damn fantastic, I will say, although I have felt insanely busy. It seemed like I overcommitted myself, and it took me ages to finally start feeling back to 100% after getting that awful lymph node infection at the end of February. Last weekend, I finally took a few days off of work last week to go wine tasting and have an actual weekend where I spent uninterrupted time with my sweetie. I’m still catching up from taking that time off, but it was completely worth it. My sanity is back! I am all too ready for another jam-packed month ahead. Once again, self-care proves to be vital!
Did you read anything link worthy this month? Have any article recommendations? Link me in the comments!
i’m working on my playpen report column for two weeks from now and need input! pro-BDSMers (and sex workers, if you know people in the professional BDSM community, please pass this on), past and present: help me!
Feel free to respond here (in the comments or on tumblr) or email me!
pro-switches & pro-subs: what are tips that you would give to dom clients?
In last week’s column on professional domination and sex work, I wrote about clients who come to see us without the knowledge of their partners, as well as some of my own experiences with infidelity. This week was part two. Give it a read.
As always, for more sex-positive articles, including BDSM how-tos, erotica, politics, and discussions on polyamory, kink and more, follow Playpen on Tumblr and Twitter.
My weekly column over at Playpen Report has gone up. This one is a two parter, opening the conversation about clients who visit sex workers without telling their significant others, the ethical struggle of enabling those betrayals, and my own experiences with infidelity. Click the above link to read Part I.
As always, for more sex-positive articles, including BDSM how-tos, erotica, politics, and discussions on polyamory, kink and more, follow Playpen on Tumblr and Twitter.
That’s terrific for people like Tizz…a 23-year-old art-school dropout who entered the subculture at an opportune moment — because it’s now a lot more socially acceptable, she’s “out” to her mother and most of her friends…Not only is it permissible; it’s also glamorous. “Everyone I’ve told has said, ‘That’s so cool!’” Tizz recounted, green eyes shining excitedly beneath her bob haircut.
…She’s not a Mistress of Pain every day of the week. Most of the time, she’s a playful, erudite, surprisingly maternal young woman. In a recent interview, she talked about contending with “the male gaze.” When a homeless man approached her outside a bar on Telegraph Avenue, she called him “honey.”
So for those who know me, it was probably obvious that this was me (if nothing else, getting a text from a friend who had no prior knowledge of the interview saying, “Way to be in a story for the EB Express! HA-larious!” was an indication), but if you didn’t know: hey, I was interviewed for the East Bay Express!
As for what was said: Ehhh, I am not sure that the interview went entirely that way. I wouldn’t say that pro-domming is really “glamorous,” or even regarded as such by the people around me. I happen to be surrounded by incredibly sex-positive, politically/socially enlightened folks, so the reaction to that news was more supportive than I had anticipated. Also, and I am not sure this is clear: Rachel did a lot of her own research (you know…because that’s her job). I didn’t give her much inside information about where I work, nor did I give her much in the way of information about the clients I see.
While I wouldn’t say I was outright misquoted, I feel some of what I said was conflated and/or misinterpreted. I think it was less of a failing on her part, and more of an attempt to create a concise picture of what we talked about. With how much variation there is, not only between different kinds of sex work (even different kinds of pro-BDSM), but also when talking about different domme’s boundaries, it can be difficult to create a complete picture. Not everyone plays the same way, and when I told her about the bevy of different types of boundaries and play, she sort of created an amalgamation of those options and attributed them all to my own personal preferences. Whoops?
While Rachel Swan is clearly not in the scene (which she and I spoke about fairly extensively during/after the interview), she did a good job of offering a small insight into the world of pro-domming. Also, I am so glad she got to speak to people like Poppa and Kitty Stryker, because they are both incredibly intelligent, articulate, and progressive people in the scene. They both work hard to dispel myths and misconceptions about the BDSM scene as a whole.
I am especially glad that they interviewed Kitty Stryker; I am always excited to see her name getting out and about, but especially with the creation of Consent Culture, which is a both admirable and much needed effort to create truly sex-positive, safe spaces, especially in the altsex scene. Frankly, anything that gets Kitty’s name out, which will (hopefully) also promote Consent Culture, is extra awesome.
If you would like, you can check out the entire article here. You can also follow Rachel Swan on Twitter (which I recommend, since I think she’s fairly rad). Lastly, people you should DEFINITELY be keeping tabs on (assuming you like to keep your Twitter timeline nice and Not Safe For Work): Big Poppa and Kitty Stryker.
My queue posts pretty regularly (and y’all, please bear with me—I know there have been a lot of updates today), but I had to get this one out.
I have been thinking a lot lately about transparency, and the effect of it on my life. While I have generally been known for being blunt and honest to a fault (I believe my friend Matthew once referred to me as “an unedited woman”), I have always viewed it as a liability. It was something I felt like I had to apologize for, or otherwise tone down. Even with that quality, I felt pressure to conceal certain aspects of my life. It was hard to reconcile this natural openness with what I learned in my childhood; I grew up in a family that has some archaic, superficial perspectives on sexuality, femininity, and perfectionism, and it impacted my ability to commit to who I wanted to be.
Part of my goals for this year (or really, since I left last job as a domestic violence shelter advocate/counselor) have been to commit myself to the weird. It seemed that trying to commit myself to a life of normalcy was not only ill-fitting, but also making me miserable. Fuck that. So I decided to own it: Queer; sex-worker; roller derby rookie; writer; domestic violence/rape survivor; poetry nerd; burgeoning ukulele player (lulz); college drop out; fat-positive; kinky; feminist; silly, smart lady. I decided I wanted to stop apologizing for those things, for all of my things, and actually own that I am an out and out freak (and I like it that way).
Being transparent and unapologetic about these things has been, for the most part, an uplifting development. My life feels more fulfilled, my confidence has exploded, and it has given me the ability to develop an exceedingly phenomenal community. While I was expecting blowback, particularly about the queer/sex-work bits, I was primarily met with unconditional love and support. Some folks had questions and concerns about safety (ok, my mother initially lost her shit, which I wrote about here), but for the most part, it was accepted. Plus, I have had the fortunate opportunity of dispelling myths and misconceptions about sex work/professional BDSM to the folks around me. Ultimately, what it came down to is that the people in my life feel confident that I am the same dazzling person I have always been, regardless of what I do job-wise.
Jiz Lee wrote a fantastic post called “How to Come Out like a Porn Star,” and while I’m not doing porn, I found it all too relevant to coming out as a sex worker in general. What I am struggling with now is number two on their list, which is “You don’t just come out once.” I had been lulled into a sense of security by the supportive, sex-positive, progressive people in my life, and by the fact that I generally don’t give a fuck what people outside of that think about who I am or what I do.
But here I am, facing a situation in my personal life where my transparency has caused someone who feels strangely pitted against me to use the information to be hurtful and unfair. While I could have anticipated the results of this, I still suppose the naive, optimistic part of me (sidenote: it’s nice to know that, as cynical as I am, this part of me still exists) expects folks to be generally less cruel than they are. Again, these are the benefits of being surrounded by communicative, intelligent, compassionate folk: I have massive faith in humanity, and I am disappointed and appalled when someone only a few social degrees away could behave callously based on little to no information.
Fortunately, during these times, my community comes forward like none other, serving as staunch sounding boards, reaffirming that things are going to be okay, and reminding me that I need to let these things roll off my back. One of my dearest friends told me, “Tizz, I don’t give a flying fuck what the fuck you do for a living. You’re legit one of the goofiest, smartest, well read, well spoken, caring people I know. I don’t care if you were a garbage man, a receptionist, a McDonald’s cook, or a legit prostitute—nothing would change that, so fuck [their] ignorance with a shiny strap on dildo, k?” As much as she said things that I already feel confident in, it is good to be reminded. Sometimes, outside reassurance can calm the little voice that seeks to destroy from the inside out, especially when it has been encouraged by unwelcome external forces.
Transparency is still absolutely vital to my emotional and mental well-being, not to mention any success in accomplishing my goals. I knew that there would be negative feedback, although it came later than I expected, and I anticipate that in the future, as I come out again, and again (and again) as a sex worker, there will be more. That is part of how this works, isn’t it? Either way, I remain committed to crumbling the harsh stereotypes, with six inch heels, whips, and words. Folks can talk all they like, but this is the reality: I am not going anywhere. I am going to continue doing the work that I like doing, and along the way, advocating for the wonderful people that I feel honored to call my peers. Deal with it.
My weekly column over at the Playpen Report has started! Click above to read the first post. Every Monday, there will be a new one, so you’d better bookmark the homepage.
